I am 24 years old. I live with my parents and a younger brother. My mother had cancer, but survived. Yet, she’s always blackmailing people with her sickness and fighting with my dad. When she gets angry, she calls me horrible names. That has been since a long time ago. My brother bullies me. Every time I wake up, he comes up with a new, stupid offense. Everyone thinks it helps to make me tougher.
A year and a half ago, I started a “reasons to kill myself” and a “reasons to stay alive” list. I spent a few months on it, and I ended up with 342 reasons to kill myself, and 21 reasons to stay alive. In the last year and a half, only 19 of those 21 reasons have gone away. I don’t talk to anybody anymore. Nobody wants to talk to me. I turn my cell phone on silent, and look at it maybe twice a week — usually, I haven’t missed anything. Most of the time, I’m so excited to see I’ve gotten a call or a text message — most of the time, it’s spam. The last time I hung out with a friend was February 25th. I haven’t been on stage in two and a half years. I haven’t been involved with a production in almost two years. I am 21 years old. I have never been loved, dated, kissed, touched, or desired by anybody. The one person I called my best friend, I haven’t spoken to in over a year. She doesn’t miss me. She and her boyfriend are happy. She’s moving up north this summer. (I know this because I’ve taken to skulking on her facebook and tumblr — that’s how I found this blog!)
I really like this guy.. but I told him I just wanted to be friends because I think he likes another girl and I’m afraid of getting rejected.